We're painted red to fit right in

[karappo]

[For the last six months, the Matsuno household has been abnormally quiet.

There's no running up and down the stairs. No boistrous chatter over breakfast. No brawls breaking out in the bedroom at night. No games of Mahjong on a cold night and then yet more fights breaking out over that.

There is silence.

Only three people have been living in that house, and it's quieter than it's ever been. The only brother- the eldest- remaining rarely left it anymore. He rarely left the bedroom upstairs, to be precise. Sometimes he'd venture up onto the roof, but even that got too hard to swallow with all the constant reminders of how they'd all left him.

One by one, they all left. Not a single one of them had come back since, not even to check up on one another.

It had taken about this long for Osomatsu to finally stop caring. After all, it seemed like he cared a lot more than anyone else did. It was the only reason he was still even here, sleeping in an empty futon and eating his meals around an empty table. Eventually he did this less and less and left the futon only long enough to relieve himself. Back to bed, back to sleep, back to unconsciousness where he didn't have to think unless he started dreaming. He didn't talk to his parents much, but when he did he still had a knack for making things seem okay when they really weren't. It's the only reason he was able to scoot by barely living until his body just couldn't take it anymore.

Karamatsu had been sleeping in after having yet another failed interview when he was awoken to Chibita shaking him roughly and trying to give him the phone. "It's for you, idjit," Karamatsu barely made out as he fumbled the phone a few times before blearily getting it to his ear. Within a minute of receiving the phone and hanging it up, Karamatsu had thrown his clothes on and bolted out the door without telling Chibita what was going on. He hadn't even gotten any of his things, he just.

Went.

Osomatsu wasn't doing well. It was like, ever since his brothers left, he just...hadn't gotten better. Matsuyo didn't even know what to do to help her oldest son anymore, but she had known that his brothers would want to be there with him if he was this bad off. Karamatsu, for his part, couldn't believe it. Osomatsu, of all of them? Surely not...

And yet, it was unfortunately true. Karamatsu had actually been the first Matsuyo got hold of since he was living close by with Chibita. It had given Karamatsu a chance to see Osomatsu alone, which he was grateful for. The Osomatsu he'd come home to wasn't the Osomatsu he'd left, wasn't even the Osomatsu he'd dragged out of the room that night before Choromatsu left. He was buried under months of depression and what was left was battered and nearly completely withered away. That alone was enough to completely shatter Karamatsu's heart, but what he really couldn't take was seeing his younger siblings filter home one by one.

Jyushimatsu. Todomatsu. Choromatsu.

Two days passed and only five sons were home. Osomatsu was getting worse. He'd stopped eating entirely and would barely tolerate water. Not only that, but the fourth of their number- Ichimatsu- was nowhere to be found. He couldn't be contacted. No job, no number, no home. It was like he'd vanished off the face of the earth. Before Matsuyo could completely expire from the stress, though, Karamatsu offered himself up to go find him. He'd take Todomatsu's phone with him so he could keep in touch, just in case. The others should stay behind with Osomatsu.

That had been three hours ago, and now Karamatsu found himself in a largely unfamiliar ward of Tokyo. After a light-speed search of their hometown, he'd begun asking around. Have you seen someone who looks like me?

No. Sorry. Nobody like that.

Where was he?

Karamatsu couldn't stop looking, he had to be somewhere here. He didn't care if he got looks for shouting in the streets, because he knew his voice among all of theirs was the most recognizable should Ichimatsu happen to hear it.

He had to be here.]

Comments

[ichimyatsu]

[He makes a quiet affirmative sound, swaying a little where he stands, bracing a hand against the wall for a moment and then frowning.]

...'m gonna sit, [He mumbles, and then does just that, even if it's sort of more of his knees dropping out from under him. He's been standing too long, and the bath got him all sleepy, so basically his everything is rebelling. He blinks once he's down, having fully intended to make that shift himself, and just repositions himself sheepishly.]

[karappo]

[Karamatsu wasn't looking when Ichimatsu more or less fell to the floor, at least, so Ichimatsu won't have to worry about being chided for standing too long. Waiting for the water to boil is like watching paint dry, but he gives Ichimatsu silence until that is complete and the ramen is busily cooking away.

Only then does he turn his attention back to his brother sitting on the floor.]

Are you alright?

[ichimyatsu]

[He gives him something of a withering glance that isn't half as scathing as he might have meant for it to be on a regular day, and then closes his eyes for a while.]

...I can't fake being okay, Karamatsu. [He looks at his knees, frowning.] Mom's gonna freak out. Osomatsu's-- not okay, and then I'm a damn mess. It's not fair to her.

[karappo]

That is not your fault.

[Karamatsu insists, deciding to crouch a little in front of Ichimatsu on one knee while the ramen does its thing.]

You at least are in well enough condition to walk. You aren't confined to a- a-

[A hospital bed.]

She will just be happy seeing you again. And having us all together again.

[For what short time that might be.]

[ichimyatsu]

[A quiet sound, because he knows what he didn't finish saying. He nods anyway, hugging his knees to himself like he so often does.]

... It should have been me, really.

[From the crazed way he says that, he probably didn't mean to actually say it out loud.]

[karappo]

[Karamatsu has no business acknowledging that, but he does it anyway.]

No. ...no no.

[ichimyatsu]

[He hunches further.]

It should, though. Osomatsu has something going for him. He's like the leader of the pack. I'm just the asshole cat guy who should have died beside a dumpster.

[He's. Actually smiling as he says this. Ichimatsu please.]

[karappo]

[I mean. Karamatsu isn't surprised, but that doesn't mean he likes where this conversation is going.]

I would prefer if no one had to go through this, personally. It is hard for everyone.

[ichimyatsu]

Well of course not, the ideal in any situation is that nobody dies, unless you're me, but I can't get it right, you know? Osomatsu withers away still at home and probably doesn't have long, and I go out with no money and no intent of getting a job or anything, and some crazy couple looks after me so I don't die. What kind of fucked up situation is that?

[He laughs, but it's not a humorous sound at all.]

[karappo]

[No, it sounds manic. Like Ichimatsu's devolving into another stage of grief over their shitty situation, or maybe he just finally snapped. It's hard for Karamatsu to know what way is the right way to respond to this. He just knows that he hates that Ichimatsu feels the need to talk this way.

He feels like if he argues, it will get worse. So while the ramen finishes up, he'll let Ichimatsu talk himself out.]

Sometimes things just work that way, Brother. We can't explain why, but...it is for reasons we could not possibly hope to understand.

[ichimyatsu]

It's not fair,

[His hands thread into his hair and he pulls, rocking in place.]

Karamatsu it's not fair, it shouldn't be him, it can't be him. I'm sorry-- you told me to quit this before, I'm.

[He tries to burrow into his knees, but his arms are in the way.]

[karappo]

[Karamatsu edges closer, then, looking straight at Ichimatsu even if he isn't looking back.]

I know it isn't fair. This should not be happening.

And...I am sorry I told you that before. I was just...overwhelmed. I couldn't stand hearing you talk that way about yourself. ...but you're allowed not to be okay.

[He hasn't been since Osomatsu got admitted. He's just good at pretending.]

[ichimyatsu]

I'm sorry-- it should be me, I've never done anything for us, for him, I'm.

[He pulls his hair again, and he's started to hyperventilate, but he's trying to figure out how to stop. He knows he's not okay and he knows it's better to get it out of his system now, but Karamatsu doesn't deserve this and everything is just happening too fast for him to keep up. He feels sick but there's nothing in his stomach to purge, and Karamatsu is making him ramen because he's worried, and he wants to cry and beat his head in and claw his hair out all at once.]

I can't breathe.

[karappo]

...Okay, okay-

[And here comes Karamatsu, finally just...relenting and crossing the floor between them both, not immediately putting his arms around Ichimatsu. Instead, he opts to put a hand on each of his shoulders, continuing to fix him with his gaze.]

Ichimatsu? Breathe with me. Okay? Slowly. Watch me.

[He takes a slow, deep breath, holds it for a second, then slowly releases it. He doesn't expect him to be able to do it right away, but he'll keep it up for as long as he has to.]

[ichimyatsu]

[He drags his hands out of his hair and pushes them forward, alternating between laying them palm-flat against Karamatsu's collarbone and curling his fingers into his shirt, but he's trying. The short, forced breaths slowly even out, and he closes his eyes, making a soft sort of mewling sound.]

I'm sorry.

[karappo]

Shh.

[It's not a chiding sound, more like an attempt at placating. He lets Ichimatsu do what he needs to, eventually reaching up to lightly rest a hand against one of his forearms.]

Just breathe. You're fine.

[ichimyatsu]

[It sort of works. He's breathing, at least. But he's also folding forward and shaking, hands pressed into Karamatsu's collarbone.]

I'm not, we're not. You're not-- nothing's fine.

[karappo]

You know what? You're right. You're absolutely right. We aren't okay.

[He squeezes Ichimatsu's arm, lightly.]

But the only thing you need to worry about is what is happening right now. All you need to do, Ichimatsu, is keep breathing. That is all I expect of you right now. Nothing more.

[ichimyatsu]

[It's... Not what he needs to hear, not exactly. It's certainly not what he wants to hear, but it makes him look up. It makes him realize that Karamatsu is taking over, that he's asserting himself. Because he's about to be the oldest of six.]

[And it makes his eyes well up with frightened tears, and he feels like a child for them and the way he lets them pour over his eyelids, and his voice is impossibly small when he finally speaks.]

...O-Osomatsu isn't going to wake up, is he.

[karappo]

[Karamatsu hadn't even realized what he'd been doing until Ichimatsu muttered that. Already, instinctively, he'd been putting himself in the place of the eldest, trying to comfort Ichimatsu even though things weren't okay. They wouldn't be okay, not for a long time.

That question is like a shot to the heart. Actually, it's not even a question. It's more like...a statement needing to be clarified.

And Karamatsu doesn't have it in him to answer. But he knows it's his responsibility to.]

We...we needed to find you because we...we didn't know how much longer it would be, Ichi. A-and mom...wanted us all to be there.

[ichimyatsu]

[He nods, and he keeps nodding, and he's glad he didn't lie, but he's breaking apart as he sags forward into Karamatsu's collarbone and he can't fucking help it. He needed the confirmation, he needed to be told so he'd stop wondering, but he can't even sob over how this feels. He's pretty sure he's trying to leak his heart out of his eyes and his nose, but he's nearly silent in his breakdown, just shaking and periodically hitching until he decides to warble half-words.]

I-I'm sorry, that it took so long, I shouldn't h-have gone so far, Karamatsu, how are you so calm?

[karappo]

[Because I have to be, he thinks, but- oh- he doesn't dare say that. He just reaches out and gathers Ichimatsu into his arms because he needs him right now. He needs him to be strong. He doesn't need to see the tears in his eyes, forming because they both know their brother isn't going to make it.

He'll be strong for both of them.]

Shhh. Shhhh. Don't blame yourself. You could not have known.

keeps using this icon because it hurts

[ichimyatsu]

[He crawls forward when he's gathered, all but climbing into Karamatsu's lap and settling just to hitch, gripping his shirt and shaking.]

Why him, Karamatsu, this isn't--

[He draws away suddenly, the hitch in his breath catching in his throat and making him cough, and he immediately curls away from Karamatsu and against the wall, hand over his mouth and head ducked into his shoulder. He stays that way for a long handful of seconds, just coughing, and then seems to be considering something once he's still again.]

mmMMMM

[karappo]

-Ichimatsu?

[Karamatsu nearly jerks back when Ichimatsu suddenly starts coughing, throwing him for a loop in the midst of what was probably the rise of another anxiety attack. He hasn't let go of him yet, feeling the way Ichimatsu's chest rattles with every breath he takes. But that's to be expected, isn't it? He's probably in real need of something more than what he can give...some actual fluids, food, things that need to be transferred immediately to his body. Simply eating isn't fast enough.

His fingers tighten against his hoodie, giving him a concerned squeeze to see if he's still with him.]

Ichimatsu. Are you okay?

[ichimyatsu]

[He stays mostly still against the wall, nodding in hopes of getting Karamatsu to stop hovering, even if he knows it won't work. He swallows, carefully, taking measured breaths, and he curls his fingers into his palm for a moment before he moves his hand away from his mouth. He shifts, then, suddenly looking significantly more tired, but smiles faintly.]

...sorry, choked myself, I guess.